How to Help
I thought “How to Help” was an interesting title. Is there a wrong way to help?
Is there a right way to help?
Yes there are!
Elimination of The Wrong Way
When you're helping someone, you easily find all the things they are doing
wrong and talk to them about their faults. Seems almost a standard review in
business. This method always produces upsets. These upsets may not be
visible but they are there.
It is easy to find faults and is a lazy effort at best.
Almost anyone has disabilities and faults. Try pointing out every thing wrong
with your boss, partner or spouse. You better start ducking!
Example-No Surgery Skills
Since I failed to attend medical school, I've found I can't do surgery very well.
Immediately, this was detected to be such a disability, I never was allowed to
even try. I guess I can mark that up as a failure. You could say I was stupid on
the subject of surgery.
The employment agency hired a doctor to tutor me on brain surgery. I must
say he failed to help me. It seemed I had no skill in surgery. He left feeling he
was a failure and that I was stupid. My Internet degree didn't impress him :-)
A fault I have is I rarely put my dirty socks away promptly. I am better about it
than I used to be:-)
I believe this is a unique fault to me as I'm sure other men were trained better
by their mothers and retrained by their wives!
If my wife got upset about dirty socks everywhere, I might change or I might
just leave other items laying around too!
That would teach her to harass me! If she attempted to help me by nagging,
she would just become more unhappy with me. Her method of helping,
nagging, would fail and I'd be unhappy with her.
I actually don't have that fault badly. You might see how if my wife focused on
my faults that I'd perhaps not do as well.
What Mary does do is to thank me for some of the things I do right. From my
viewpoint, she doesn't need to thank me but she does anyway.
We get along well. One reason is neither of us harps about the faults and
disabilities we each have. (I don't really have any faults but for the sake of the
article lets pretend I do :-)
Mary and I focus on what the other person does right and compliments that or
suggest improvements in how to do it better.
By the way, our suggestions are not delivered as “constructive criticism.”
See related article Constructive Criticism.
On the other side, do you know someone who points out every error, fault,
shortcoming and never mentions anything good?
See related article: Who Has the Right To INSULT You?
Let us talk about children, many of us have some and most of us were
children at some point!
When you observe a little child, what can they do?
Lets say they are almost walking. It is perfectly natural to help the child
improve that ability.
That would be a correct way to help. Every child I've helped has enjoyed this
If your child enjoys painting, should you work to improve their ability to repair
tractors? Or should you insist they study Latin so they can go to law school
like you and your dad did?
Perhaps get them some art lessons to help improve their painting skills. They
may bore of that quickly but that should be their decision not yours.
You and the child would both win and be happy with help in the direction the
child is going.
As mentioned above, suppose your child wants to be a painter and you want
them to be a lawyer. What would be the correct way to help them?
I've known many many adults that were forced into their parents dreams.
Often they were not happy and not good at the subject of parental desires.
Even more often, they didn't work in the field they were trained for.
Do you know people that went to school and got a degree but don't work in
that field? Why do you think that is?
Do you like to be told what to do that may be against your desires and
judgment? Your child probably dislikes it more than you do! The child is just
smaller, weaker, and may not feel he can stand up against your force.
If you're doing this now, stop. Apologize to your child or children. Don't
continue to do what your parents or someone may have done to you.
Correct Target for Help
The thing to do to help people is help them where they already show some
skill or ability. An existing ability or skill can be improved. A non-existent ability
can not be improved.
Some people have difficulty with task that you would consider simple.
Perhaps they can't unjam the copy machine. But they can put paper in.
Validate that. Show them how to neatly do this.
Simply observe and communicate with them. Find out what they can do.
Validate those things. Give them information or demonstrate new and or better
ways to do those basic skills.
I tried to help a friend to learn to use a computer. He had no skills there.
Looking back, I could perhaps help him with lots of time. However at the time,
it was a failure for him and I. I'm not sure if he gets emails yet or not. I email his
girlfriend or call him!
To demonstrate why computer skills was not a winner, he has difficulty in
keeping his phone located and charged. Very often you can't reach him
Electronics are not an area of skill for him.
The same friend wanted to design and build various sizes of platforms for
horses to perform on. He is skilled in construction.
I merely suggested a pattern which could be expanded or shrank. He was very
happy with that and put it successfully into operation.
He can weld up anything you like just don't ask for a computer generated
design. He can do that with paper and pencil very well!
Do not focus on what people can not do. Do not focus on people's faults. That
makes no one happy or better. In fact, that is a sure method to make everyone
worse off and unhappy.
Focus on the positive about people. Help people with what they already have
some ability in or liking for.
If you want to be happy, make other people happy. Focusing on the positive or
existing ability will do that!
Validation of #AwesomeTeam♥#Odycy☮
You're super awesome at supporting me, @Poet_Carl_Watts, and
#AwesomeTeam♥#Odycy☮:-) You have strong ability to retweet content!
As of 2/2/2014, per Vizify.com, about 47%* of my tweets are retweeted. That
That means, we are reaching many! Getting my content out there is super
important! Thank you very much!
How to Coach
How to Correct
How to Get Cooperation
How to Influence an Interview
How to Know Who to Trust.
How to Protest
How to Successfully Find a Spouse.
Do you have suggestions for another “How To” article? Let me know :-)
Listen and Guide, Someone to.
*This figure had changed from month to month. This month, February, is the highest I've ever seen! :-)
©2006-2014 Carl Watts www.carlwattsartist.com 020214