Texas Chili Cook Off


INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI


JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I
had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of

a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout
taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting

to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told

her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At

least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful.
Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in

my stomach.
____________________________________________________

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of

it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

I bet you thought that funny.

Life is not all serious. If you're not wearing a smile, something is wrong.

By the way, I can help! I do it all the time! :-) :-)

This came to me via an email years ago. I do not know the author. I'm only relaying the humor. My
congratulations to the original author whom ever he is!



©2012  by Carl Watts/CarlWattsArtist.com  080412 EDITED 010813
Articles, information by @Poet_Carl_Watts http://www.carlwattsartist.com/updates.html  #KnowledgeIsPower! #AwesomeTeam
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