|The Press Conference
I am a Major League Baseball Player
I am the Reliever for the LA Dodgers
I am the best Reliever in the Major Leagues
I am totally beautiful
I am the first woman in the Major Leagues
I turned in the mirror To check the thin blue stripe I had dyed in my Red hair.
The press had dubbed me Miss Red White and Blue but that quickly became Miss America
I am Miss America the most beautiful woman in America
Soon I will have my Big Press Conference then play in the 6th game of the World Series.
The biggest game of my life
I admired my Georges figure
No one in Baseball would cut a uniform right To fit a woman.
Vera Wang and Donna Karan had a big screaming cat fight over who would fit my uniforms.
I had Vera fit my 16 Day uniforms and Donna fit my 16 night uniforms
I put on my special lipstick called Red Relief (Available at fine retailers $79.50)
Then my special perfume called Fastball (Available at fine retailers $395)
Then I walked through the doors To the biggest Press Conference in my career.
The room was packed.
Miss America Miss America they were all screaming
They were like very excited puppies paw deep in cocaine
Miss America who will win Today the Yankees or the Dodgers?
The Yankees have a good team , I love their fans. If we play up To our talent
and have some luck then it will be a close game
The press nodded in unison. Yes she is right they all agreed
Suddenly an elderly Chinese man jumped up and started screaming
Miss America the People of China say To Honor you and To defeat the criminal fascist
ugly yankee dogs.
The room froze in silence
My love To all the Chinese children I said
All the cameras were my him as Tears of gratitude glistened down his cheeks.
Miss America the tabloids are saying you got a parking ticket once is it true?
The press corp growled at him.
I Believe in the right of free Religion
But Miss America you did Not answer my question
The Pack turned on him and snarled
Only the children know the secret of love
Yes thats true said the reporters nodding in unison.
Miss America what will you your first pitch be?
I smiled then licked my lips - Strike one I said
The press corps went wild.
Miss America can you win in Relief for the Dodgers? Can you beat the Yankees in the World Series?
Only the children know the answer To love
The Press went wild - 3 were crying
I need To go now To prepare for the game but I have one thing To say -
The press corps held their breath- No way could I say it - Not my famous tag line
I decided To say it.
When I first said it America Loved me Then later came the threats from
PETA. They said my statement was degrading To all animals . Then I kept saying it
but then PETA started making bomb threats.
But then I said it -
SANTA AND ALL OF THE REINDEER LOVE YOU
Some in the press corps screamed then fainted -Some were weeping some were cheering
I Turned and flipped my hair and walked out
By Mary Jane Galyen
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